'Jersey Shore' recap: Hurrican edition

When last we saw our pals in the Jersey Shore villa, a three-way scuffle had broken out between three enemy combatants: The shaven gorilla-man named Ronnie, the dead-eyed doll-droid designated “Sammi-Bot, Mark 1138″, and the Machiavellian hedonist known as Uncle Situation. Specifically, we saw Ron-Ron slam Mike into an overturned piece of furniture. their fellow housemates flocked into the battleground. we heard the lamentations of the women. Pauly might have been laughing. how did it all turn out?

I have no idea. if you’re reading this, then Hurricane Irene has knocked out the power in my portion of greater new York, which in turn probably means that I am currently swimming through the flooded streets of my neighborhood, lost without my Google Maps, trying to remember the directions to Keith Staskiewicz’ famous Shark-Proof Panic Room. (Either that, or I’m currently covering the MTV Video Music Awards. either way, expect a complete recap in a few hours.) but by god, readers, just because I’m in dire straits doesn’t mean I’ll leave you empty-recapped on this day of days, with a very Special Jersey Shore episode to discuss. Working alongside my talented team of unpaid Jersey Shore experts/interns, and following a long consultation with the Oracle of Delphi, here’s my best prediction for what happened on tonight’s episode.

So Ronnie lunged at Uncle Sitch, throwing him to the floor. “Vengeance is mine!” proclaimed Ron-Ron. The Situation struggled mightily, but the years had worn away his once-youthful vigor. He was like an old swordsman, let’s say about 45, who bravely embarks on one final quest to slay a dragon, and then winds up being tackled to the ground by a shirtless Xenadrine addict whose head has been replaced by a bowling ball. “Uncle,” he cried, “Uncle!” but his attacker would not listen to his cries. Ronnie has spent the entire run of Jersey Shore fighting — with random bar dudes, with Sammi, with J-Woww, with the tubby little boy he probably used to be — and now, finally, he was letting it all out. in a sense, Ronnie fighting The Situation was kind of like that scene in The Empire Strikes back when Luke Skywalker fights himself.

Sammi screamed. Vinny stared blankly into space. Snooki called Jionni and burped. Pauly D activated the microscopic communicator hidden in his hair and contacted the fleet of intergalactic warships that are currently cloaked in our outer atmosphere. “This is Prefect-General Paul Leedee,” he said, “The experiment is almost complete. Humanity has failed Prepare the anti-matter missiles.” but just then, the world (and Uncle Situation) was saved by the arrival of Noble J-Woww. “Ron, no!” she cried. “This isn’t the way to settle problems! we can use a diplomatic solution! We’re all just fellow astronauts here on Spaceship Earth, man! Also, here’s a banana.” Ron grabbed the banana and bit it asunder. Sucker: It was one of J-Woww’s Patented Ron-Ron Knockout Bananas. (The secret ingredient is chloroform!)

At this point, the Secret Service personnel kicked their way in through the windows and put everyone in precautionary handcuffs. While no one was looking, Pauly activated his micro-transmitter again. “Cancel the anti-matter missiles,” he said. “Perhaps these humans yet have a chance to join our Galactic Federation. Perhaps.”

NEXT: What are you doing in the Jersey Shore house, Mickey Rourke?